1.True Blood
Vampires: Bill, Eric, Jessica, Pam, Lorena, Godric, and Queen Sophie Ann…ECT.
Strengths: Aside from being strong, quick, immortal and sexy, these vamps have the ability to glamour people (ooh, freaky mind control).
Weaknesses: Sunlight, Silver, can also get sick and contract a hepatitis like disease know as “Hep D”, human recognition for vamps as people
Blood: These vampires love their virgin blood as much as the rest, but they can also survive on a synthetic blood know as wait for it, “True Blood”. Speaking of blood, vamp blood, aka “V”, is the hottest commodity in the underground drug world. Humans will do anything for this sense-strengthening narcotic.
Conclusion: In a world where vamps come out of the coffin like gays come out of the closet, these vamps are like the strippers of the vampire world. Come on, they are awake at night, own their own clubs, and wear a lot of leather, not to mention the little drug dealing problem these bitches have. Yeah thanks to the porn like scenes that HBO has so generously included in the series, True Blood vamps are the whores of the living dead.
2.Twilight
Vampires: Edward, Alice, Jasper, Emmett, Rosalie, Esme, Carlisle…ect.
Strengths: Strong, immortal fast, sexy, eternal love, and undying commitment to pale awkward girls, thank you Stephanie Meyer for creating a lost hopes for every teenage girl and expectations that no boy can ever live up to. Some lucky vampires even have the added bonus of having super hero like powers.
Weaknesses: Sunlight makes them sparkle? Drinking blood makes them inhumane? Yes, these are the pussy vampires of the vampire world
Blood: Must have blood to survive. Human blood is preferable, but posh vampires like the Cullen clan try to keep their humanity in check by being “vegetarians” and eating animal blood. Blood affects the color of their eyes: scarlet eyes mean you drink human blood, gold eyes mean you drink animal blood.
Conclusion: They sparkle and are vegetarians? They have perfect bodies and complexions? Either these are Abercrombie models in the making or Edward Cullen doesn’t hate Jacob as much as he leads on. Twilight vampires can be best described as the fairy princess vampires.
3.Dracula
Vampires: Count Dracula, Brides of Dracula
Strengths: The strength of twenty men, immortality, hypnotic power over humans, casts no shadow, and here comes the kicker, can turn into a bat, wolf, mist or element…. what a bad ass
Weaknesses: No powers during sunlight, can’t take Jesus or garlic (no Italian food shucks), must be invited inside, and has to sleep in native soil? What does that even mean? I guess that means these vamps won’t be taking that two-week cruise down the Mediterranean.
Blood: I vant to suck yer blood. And most likely if you have a good pulse they will.
Conclusion: While at first these vamps appear normal…well as normal as a vampire can be, but the whole shape shifting business kind of makes me think Vlad has an identity crisis. Am I a bat? Am I a man? Am I a creature of the night? Oh I know I’ll be a mineral! Dracula, darling, there is therapy for this.
4. Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Vampires: Angel, Spike, The Master, Drusilla
Strengths: Strong and heightened senses. Immortal and speedy and can heal really fast. Also can be gifted with mind powers.
Weaknesses: Not a fan of sunlight but they have these neat little ring things that solve that. They do have problems with fire and must be invited in. These vampires also have a true form though that takes them from above average attractive vamps to terrifying wrinkly, long toothed creatures of the nights. And of course they have a pack of hot ass kicking vampire slayers always after them. Some vamps like Angel also are cursed with having a soul? Um, don’t tell Edward Cullen, he will be jealous.
Blood: Love their blood buffet; in fact they can drain a human of blood in seconds. Somebody’s being greedy.
Conclusion: As stated in the early Buffy episodes, these are not regular vamps; they are a type of demon that inhabits a human body. So basically puppet master demons from hell whose looks falter over time. Yeah Angel, I would be angry too.
5. Interview with a Vampire and other Ann Rice books
Vampires: Louis, Lestat, Claudia, Armand, and Madeleine
Strengths: Beautiful, strong, quick, and mind reading and flying. Is it a bird, is it a plane, NO! It’s Tom Cruise hovering above us! The oldest of the undead also have special magic abilities, which they refer to as gifts.
Weaknesses: Fire! Sunlight! And immortality seems to be a bigger problem with these folks. Living forever, no thanks, I don’t want to be a curly haired French child forever! Humans and companionship, they love turning people into the dead because you know nothing says I love you like turning your sweetheart into a freak.
Blood: These vamps love bloods but Brad Pitt is no necrophiliac, drinking from a body that is already dead is a no no.
Conclusion: These vamps are the Peter Pan of the living dead. They can fly, they can’t grow up and they like to kidnap young girls…. on second thought this is starting to sound boarder line pedophileish
6. Blade
Vampires: Drake, Deacon, Gitano, Vanessa Brooks, Racquel
Strengths: Not immortal but prolonged life, strength, increased mental ability, yada, yada, yada. But wait, these vamps are “special”. Along with super human abilities, they can side step a bullet, scale walls and see in the ultraviolet spectrum…. and I bet if they made a weird hand motion webs would come from their body…. not really.
Weaknesses: Allergic to silver, sunlight and garlic, but never fear dermatologists, these vamps are safe! They can wear sunscreen and stand out in the sun! Thank God, if I were a vampire the first thing I would be worried about is good skin care.
Blood: Blood: Vampires: Tanning: The kids of the Jersey Shore
Conclusion: If Peter Parker and Clark Kent had a baby that liked blood and sunscreen, this would be that baby.
7. Nosferatu
Vampires: Count Dracula and John Harker
Strengths: Immortal telepaths who can lift heavy things
Weaknesses: Sunlight, they have to sleep in a coffin in during the day, and the coffin must be filled with that good ole homeland dirt. (What is with these things and dirt?) Appearance? Call me vain but looking like a small, pale naked mole rat would get to me eventually.
Blood: MMMMMMMmmmmmmmmmmmmm
Conclusion: This is like the retarded cousin of Dracula. It can’t shape shift and still has to live in dirt. Ooh and it gets to spend all of eternity being a rat like blood drinking freak.
8. Vampire Diaries
Vampires: Stefan, Damon, Vicki, Anna, Katherine, Pearl…ect.
Strengths: Fast, really fast. They also have the cool glamoring power, which they can use to make humans forget anything. But the coolest thing about them is the ability to control animals and fog. (So the vampire diary vamps could totally control Dracula? Well isn’t that an interesting twist)
Weaknesses: Sunlight can’t affect them, they have rings (OOOooohhh, AAAaaahhhh), stakes, fire, vampire compass hunting thing (and who said Buffy had cool gadgets?) Verbain ( a herb like substance that weakens them). Oh and each other. They sure love killing other vamps.
Blood: Nom nom, vampires loves them some human blood, but good vamps like Stefan try to drink animal blood.
Conclusion: These are the bitches of the vampire world. They can be weakened and killed easily but be mean to a fellow vamp and you best kiss your ass goodbye because they love to kill. Have a little too much blood at a vamp party? You’re a goner. Talk a little smack? Yeah your pretty much dead.
