Modern Magi Magic

…And from the east came three wise men bearing myrrh, frankincense and gold…. While great gifts I’m supposing in the days of yore, today getting a chunk of gold and some oil would suck. Sure they had the significance of spirituality yada yada yada, but really today if you gave anyone a chunk of metal and some fancy oils, you would probably get hit in the head. Just saying. So hypothetically speaking if immaculate conception were to happen to some poor broad (can you imagine the baby mama drama today, no way in hell would your boyfriend believe that you were knocked up by the holy spirit) and the Christ child was born in a manger with no room for a bed, the wise men of the east (New York City, Jersey and Boston maybe? God help us!) Would probably not be bringing the same gifts.



Myrrh for those of us who are not well informed on the holy and sacred meaning that goes along with the oil of the ancients, myrrh is kind of a do-it-all. It smells good, it heals wounds, it was used for embalming (is it just me or is it a little weird that people went around smelling like embalming fluids?) Today we use it in toothpastes and mouthwash to prevent gum disease (Now that’s the smell of clean). Since gum/mouthwash isn’t a proper gift to give the new born Christ child (babies can’t chew gum…. duh!) for its fix all qualities and its novelty the modern day equivalent shall henceforth be Duct Tape.

Frankincense always reminded me of Frankenstein, which always made me think that frankincense was this bright green lumpy substance that had an appearance not unlike that of an snot colored candle stick…. attractive I know. But luckily little baby Jesus all swaddled and such did not have to worry about getting rubbed with icky goop, like I imagined but pleasant smelling oil. Unfortunately today if a grown man gave a little boy some scented oil, there might be some issues, which is a whole big mess the king probably doesn’t want to deal with. Instead there is a solution, the modern equivalent to frankincense, Old Spice. It smells mighty fresh and let’s be honest; we want the baby god to smell like the man your man could smell like. (I’m on a horse).

Gold, well, its still the same, gold is lovely, expensive, admired, valuable, sought after, a status symbol, but a little boring. Today no one goes around admiring each others gold bars (unless the person is wearing said gold bar as a status symbol around the neck, i.e. bling) In truth what we value most in today’s society isn’t exactly the money but fame that comes with the money. The modern day equivalent of gold needs to be something that people admire if you have a nice one, something that is a life source for people it is so valuable and controls life as we know it and will seal your status as the king of kings (and you can put that as your status too). It rules our lives like gold ruled others so long ago. It is valuable (The Social Network anyone?). The final gift of the modern magi: the Facebook Page.

Vant to Suck My Blood?

With the newest release of sparkly vampire boy competes for the affections of awkward pale girl (a.k.a. Eclipse), it’s easy to be confused about what a vampire really is. I mean the living dead are not as simple as driving a stake through the heart and calling it a day anymore. So here is a helpful guide to some of the most memorable vamps.


1.True Blood

Vampires: Bill, Eric, Jessica, Pam, Lorena, Godric, and Queen Sophie Ann…ECT.

Strengths: Aside from being strong, quick, immortal and sexy, these vamps have the ability to glamour people (ooh, freaky mind control).

Weaknesses: Sunlight, Silver, can also get sick and contract a hepatitis like disease know as “Hep D”, human recognition for vamps as people

Blood: These vampires love their virgin blood as much as the rest, but they can also survive on a synthetic blood know as wait for it, “True Blood”. Speaking of blood, vamp blood, aka “V”, is the hottest commodity in the underground drug world. Humans will do anything for this sense-strengthening narcotic.

Conclusion: In a world where vamps come out of the coffin like gays come out of the closet, these vamps are like the strippers of the vampire world. Come on, they are awake at night, own their own clubs, and wear a lot of leather, not to mention the little drug dealing problem these bitches have. Yeah thanks to the porn like scenes that HBO has so generously included in the series, True Blood vamps are the whores of the living dead.
2.Twilight

Vampires: Edward, Alice, Jasper, Emmett, Rosalie, Esme, Carlisle…ect.

Strengths: Strong, immortal fast, sexy, eternal love, and undying commitment to pale awkward girls, thank you Stephanie Meyer for creating a lost hopes for every teenage girl and expectations that no boy can ever live up to. Some lucky vampires even have the added bonus of having super hero like powers.

Weaknesses: Sunlight makes them sparkle? Drinking blood makes them inhumane? Yes, these are the pussy vampires of the vampire world

Blood: Must have blood to survive. Human blood is preferable, but posh vampires like the Cullen clan try to keep their humanity in check by being “vegetarians” and eating animal blood. Blood affects the color of their eyes: scarlet eyes mean you drink human blood, gold eyes mean you drink animal blood.

Conclusion: They sparkle and are vegetarians? They have perfect bodies and complexions? Either these are Abercrombie models in the making or Edward Cullen doesn’t hate Jacob as much as he leads on. Twilight vampires can be best described as the fairy princess vampires.


3.Dracula

Vampires: Count Dracula, Brides of Dracula

Strengths: The strength of twenty men, immortality, hypnotic power over humans, casts no shadow, and here comes the kicker, can turn into a bat, wolf, mist or element…. what a bad ass

Weaknesses: No powers during sunlight, can’t take Jesus or garlic (no Italian food shucks), must be invited inside, and has to sleep in native soil? What does that even mean? I guess that means these vamps won’t be taking that two-week cruise down the Mediterranean.

Blood: I vant to suck yer blood. And most likely if you have a good pulse they will.

Conclusion: While at first these vamps appear normal…well as normal as a vampire can be, but the whole shape shifting business kind of makes me think Vlad has an identity crisis. Am I a bat? Am I a man? Am I a creature of the night? Oh I know I’ll be a mineral! Dracula, darling, there is therapy for this.

4. Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Vampires: Angel, Spike, The Master, Drusilla

Strengths: Strong and heightened senses. Immortal and speedy and can heal really fast. Also can be gifted with mind powers.

Weaknesses: Not a fan of sunlight but they have these neat little ring things that solve that. They do have problems with fire and must be invited in. These vampires also have a true form though that takes them from above average attractive vamps to terrifying wrinkly, long toothed creatures of the nights. And of course they have a pack of hot ass kicking vampire slayers always after them. Some vamps like Angel also are cursed with having a soul? Um, don’t tell Edward Cullen, he will be jealous.

Blood: Love their blood buffet; in fact they can drain a human of blood in seconds. Somebody’s being greedy.

Conclusion: As stated in the early Buffy episodes, these are not regular vamps; they are a type of demon that inhabits a human body. So basically puppet master demons from hell whose looks falter over time. Yeah Angel, I would be angry too.

5. Interview with a Vampire and other Ann Rice books

Vampires: Louis, Lestat, Claudia, Armand, and Madeleine

Strengths: Beautiful, strong, quick, and mind reading and flying. Is it a bird, is it a plane, NO! It’s Tom Cruise hovering above us! The oldest of the undead also have special magic abilities, which they refer to as gifts.

Weaknesses: Fire! Sunlight! And immortality seems to be a bigger problem with these folks. Living forever, no thanks, I don’t want to be a curly haired French child forever! Humans and companionship, they love turning people into the dead because you know nothing says I love you like turning your sweetheart into a freak.

Blood: These vamps love bloods but Brad Pitt is no necrophiliac, drinking from a body that is already dead is a no no.

Conclusion: These vamps are the Peter Pan of the living dead. They can fly, they can’t grow up and they like to kidnap young girls…. on second thought this is starting to sound boarder line pedophileish

6. Blade

Vampires: Drake, Deacon, Gitano, Vanessa Brooks, Racquel

Strengths: Not immortal but prolonged life, strength, increased mental ability, yada, yada, yada. But wait, these vamps are “special”. Along with super human abilities, they can side step a bullet, scale walls and see in the ultraviolet spectrum…. and I bet if they made a weird hand motion webs would come from their body…. not really.

Weaknesses: Allergic to silver, sunlight and garlic, but never fear dermatologists, these vamps are safe! They can wear sunscreen and stand out in the sun! Thank God, if I were a vampire the first thing I would be worried about is good skin care.

Blood: Blood: Vampires: Tanning: The kids of the Jersey Shore

Conclusion: If Peter Parker and Clark Kent had a baby that liked blood and sunscreen, this would be that baby.

7. Nosferatu

Vampires: Count Dracula and John Harker

Strengths: Immortal telepaths who can lift heavy things

Weaknesses: Sunlight, they have to sleep in a coffin in during the day, and the coffin must be filled with that good ole homeland dirt. (What is with these things and dirt?) Appearance? Call me vain but looking like a small, pale naked mole rat would get to me eventually.

Blood: MMMMMMMmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Conclusion: This is like the retarded cousin of Dracula. It can’t shape shift and still has to live in dirt. Ooh and it gets to spend all of eternity being a rat like blood drinking freak.

8. Vampire Diaries

Vampires: Stefan, Damon, Vicki, Anna, Katherine, Pearl…ect.

Strengths: Fast, really fast. They also have the cool glamoring power, which they can use to make humans forget anything. But the coolest thing about them is the ability to control animals and fog. (So the vampire diary vamps could totally control Dracula? Well isn’t that an interesting twist)

Weaknesses: Sunlight can’t affect them, they have rings (OOOooohhh, AAAaaahhhh), stakes, fire, vampire compass hunting thing (and who said Buffy had cool gadgets?) Verbain ( a herb like substance that weakens them). Oh and each other. They sure love killing other vamps.

Blood: Nom nom, vampires loves them some human blood, but good vamps like Stefan try to drink animal blood.

Conclusion: These are the bitches of the vampire world. They can be weakened and killed easily but be mean to a fellow vamp and you best kiss your ass goodbye because they love to kill. Have a little too much blood at a vamp party? You’re a goner. Talk a little smack? Yeah your pretty much dead.

Let's Go to the Fair Everybody

It’s summer time and you know what that means people of small suburban areas…LOCAL FAIRS!!!! We know the excitement is building within you at just the mention of the phrase, so let us list for you the reasons we love the fair.


1. Getting hit on by carnies- Really who wouldn’t want their future spouse/ love interest to have a body odor, missing teeth, and STDs? A bonus, travel the country for free!!!

2. Greasy fair food- As if our asses didn’t resemble curdled cheese enough, let’s eat 3 times the recommended daily calories and then have a bad case of diarrhea later! Don’t forget the deep fried Oreos!

3. Farm animals- Don’t you love ruining your shoes by stepping in cow shit, or having a passing animal leave a big slobber trail on your shirt. And for those of you who participate in the animal shows, isn’t it fun slapping a pig’s ass in front of all of your friends and family? We sure think so!

4. Carnival rides and games- Personally, we love sitting in big puddles of ass sweat and being enclosed in small cages of B.O. , but who doesn’t? And for the weak of heart, try your hand at the various games. You can shell out $20 to win a goldfish; he’ll be your best friend forever… or at least for the next 6 hours.

5. Entertainment- No name country singers, how lucky are we! And for the locals there is always booze injected round of corn hole to play.

6. Tractor pulls and truck pulls- Watching local farm boys show off their daddy’s diesel truck and embarrass themselves in the process all while lounging in the comfort of a truck bed with cheap beer to drink. Where do we sign up?

7. The people- Live in the city? Never fear! Fair time is the time for even the most chic city dwellers to pretend they are rednecks and bring out the cowboy boots. And let’s not forget the John Deere apparel! Put in a chew, wear your most dingy costume and you will blend right in.

Fancy Fanny

Belt pack, belly bag, buffalo pouch, hip sack, bum bag, the fanny pack. While in recent years may be considered unfashionable, nerdy even, should undoubtedly make a comeback into the lives of satchel carrying citizens. Unaffected by the feminine connotations that purses, clutches and totes have, fanny packs are acceptable accessories even for the most macho of men. Fanny packs do not discriminate. Double arm amputees and quadriplegics alike can now relax knowing that their chap stick and family photos can be safely carried with them where ever they go because fanny packs do not require the use of arms. Even the fashion conscious can show their fanny pack pride. Marc Jacobs, Gucci, Prada, and Coach all have created their own spin on the “bum bag”. Even pop music sensation Rihanna has been seen sporting one of these sensible pouches. Are you a hunter? Why the fanny pack is the perfect solution for you! Not only will you be able to carry your bullets in comfort, but bring along your favorite weapon with the new concealed weapon option. Now little Mittens and Fluffy can enjoy the fun of a fanny pack with a pet carrier style that allows you to carry your furry companion around your midsection. Arguably, fanny packs get shit that they don’t necessarily deserve. What did fanny packs ever do to man kind other than securely keep our precious goods snuggly around our waist? Hey, who’s to say that you have to wear them around your abdomen? They can surely be slung over ones shoulder like the more main stream purses. And are they really any more embarrassing then the tiny book bags of the early 2000s or the granny like paisley patterned bags of the late 2000s that teens loved to carry? As said best by Ralph Waldo Emerson, “to be great is to be misunderstood.” Tourist apparel no more, bring sexy back, wear your fanny pack!

Bacon...it's what's for dinner.

Bacon…its name alone brings a sense of mouth-watering deliciousness that is sure to make even the thinnest person grab for another piece. But what about it is so appealing? What is America’s obsession with this fatty piece of meat often used as a garnish? The word itself, bacon, is derived from the old German word for buttocks. And though it does not come from a pig’s derriere, it is an over salted and arguably one of the most fattening cuts of meat.
So what is with American’s and “Bacon Mania” that has hit this nation? Everywhere you turn there is bacon. Bacon of the Month club. Bacon band-aids. Bacon and eggs. Chocolate covered Bacon. Bacon bits. Bacon salt? And lets not forget the coveted Baconator. “The rusty bacon strip” which I have learned from baconbabble.com is even slang for an old woman’s vagina. Millions of websites devoted to bacon. Bacon and beer tastings. For crying out loud it’s a $2.1 billion industry. It’s everywhere. Sandwiches, pizza, salads, potatoes, burgers. Bacon, bacon, bacon. But the fact of the matter being, despite being 42 calories apiece, bacon is delicious. Its simple yet compliments almost anything. Eggs seem better, hamburgers seem even more mouth watering, and bacon was simply meant to live happily between two slices of bread, lettuce, and tomato. So whether you call it rasher, flitch, collop, or slab, bacon is good.

Madonna is...

So we all know about Madonna…no not the virgin mother capable of both immaculate conception and gracing churches world wide. No the Madonna we are speaking of is a bit more…sexual? Midwestern? Cradle robber? Material? Veronica? YES!!! That is it! Madonna Louise Veronica Ciccone is much more Veronica than the holy virgin. While it may be true that they both have Jesus in their life, one being son of god who was carpenter by trade savior by death and the other being a sensual twenty something latino, and they are both “Like a Virgin”, pop music sensation will always have the Veronica factor that the other Madonna will not. So next time you only got 4 minutes to save the world, call on Veronica.