Modern Magi Magic

…And from the east came three wise men bearing myrrh, frankincense and gold…. While great gifts I’m supposing in the days of yore, today getting a chunk of gold and some oil would suck. Sure they had the significance of spirituality yada yada yada, but really today if you gave anyone a chunk of metal and some fancy oils, you would probably get hit in the head. Just saying. So hypothetically speaking if immaculate conception were to happen to some poor broad (can you imagine the baby mama drama today, no way in hell would your boyfriend believe that you were knocked up by the holy spirit) and the Christ child was born in a manger with no room for a bed, the wise men of the east (New York City, Jersey and Boston maybe? God help us!) Would probably not be bringing the same gifts.



Myrrh for those of us who are not well informed on the holy and sacred meaning that goes along with the oil of the ancients, myrrh is kind of a do-it-all. It smells good, it heals wounds, it was used for embalming (is it just me or is it a little weird that people went around smelling like embalming fluids?) Today we use it in toothpastes and mouthwash to prevent gum disease (Now that’s the smell of clean). Since gum/mouthwash isn’t a proper gift to give the new born Christ child (babies can’t chew gum…. duh!) for its fix all qualities and its novelty the modern day equivalent shall henceforth be Duct Tape.

Frankincense always reminded me of Frankenstein, which always made me think that frankincense was this bright green lumpy substance that had an appearance not unlike that of an snot colored candle stick…. attractive I know. But luckily little baby Jesus all swaddled and such did not have to worry about getting rubbed with icky goop, like I imagined but pleasant smelling oil. Unfortunately today if a grown man gave a little boy some scented oil, there might be some issues, which is a whole big mess the king probably doesn’t want to deal with. Instead there is a solution, the modern equivalent to frankincense, Old Spice. It smells mighty fresh and let’s be honest; we want the baby god to smell like the man your man could smell like. (I’m on a horse).

Gold, well, its still the same, gold is lovely, expensive, admired, valuable, sought after, a status symbol, but a little boring. Today no one goes around admiring each others gold bars (unless the person is wearing said gold bar as a status symbol around the neck, i.e. bling) In truth what we value most in today’s society isn’t exactly the money but fame that comes with the money. The modern day equivalent of gold needs to be something that people admire if you have a nice one, something that is a life source for people it is so valuable and controls life as we know it and will seal your status as the king of kings (and you can put that as your status too). It rules our lives like gold ruled others so long ago. It is valuable (The Social Network anyone?). The final gift of the modern magi: the Facebook Page.